To quit or not to quit

Today I almost quit my Ayurveda treatments. During this morning’s full body massage, when my back, annoyed at being agitated so early in the morning, once again started to hurt instead of to improve, a completely paradoxical outcome when you think about what a course of massage treatments and yoga is supposed to accomplish, I started feeling frustrated. At the end of the treatment I went to the doctor and told him I wanted to stop. He responded by making changes in my treatment plan and asked me to give it a second chance.

A few weeks ago before I left India for a two and a half week break in Sri Lanka, I hadn’t even heard of Varkala, a small beach town in the South Indian state of Kerala, which is slowly becoming a popular tourist destination. While in Sri Lanka, at the lovely place we stayed at in Dambulla, we met an older couple from Melbourne who had been in Kerala a few years ago. They mentioned their stay in Varkala as a highlight of their trip, and recommended a hotel. When I was planning my first few days back in India (after returning from Sri Lanka), I remembered the name of the town and, noticing that they were well known for their Ayurveda treatments and yoga classes, I thought that it might be the right place for me to head t . After two months of almost continuous travel, I was considering taking a break from running around for a while, and stopping for a week or two, just to be.

Varkala is a gorgeous town. The beaches and cliffs are stunning and there’s plenty to do in the surrounding areas if you can drag yourself away from the beach, including visiting some of Kerala's famous backwaters. When I first arrived here, I stayed at a gorgeous little homestay, and they recommended the Absolute Ayurveda clinic for a panchakarma treatment, a detox program. Deciding that I needed to try a cleansing process after all the rubbish I’d been feeding my body over the last couple of months, and worried that I’d get bored if I stayed in the same place for too long without any plans or people around me, I decided to try a fourteen day program, specifically tailored to my needs – weight loss, detox and general wellbeing. I moved into a hotel near the clinic, run by Sunil and Mini, a sweet Indian couple, where all my meals are prepared for me according to a strictly prescribed Ayurvedic diet, taking into account my gluten-intolerance. In addition to the aAyurveda treatments, I was also assigned a yoga teacher for daily yoga sessions aimed at strengthening my core.

The program is a simple one. One treatment a day, one yoga session a day, and specific medicines, with the treatment and medicines differing based on the stage of the treatment. One day in the middle is purgation day, where you are given a concoction to drink and basically spend the next few hours removing all the toxins from your system, in other words, you spend most of the day in the bathroom. During the treatment period you may feel tired or drained of energy. When Katrina, the lovely woman from Casa Eva Luna, the first place I stayed at here in Varkala, warned me that it was a tough process, I laughed and said, “I survived Vipassana, I can survive anything”. Having dealt with a few guests who had come to stay there after either finishing the Vipassana course, or leaving early, she agreed with me. If I’d survived Vipassana, this would be a walk in the park.

I’m now on day nine and I’m going crazy with boredom and frustration. In the past week and a half I’ve read seven books, spent countless hours on Facebook, and have gotten to know my room in the hotel exceptionally well, especially the bathroom during that horrific purgation day. My yoga sessions lasted for only six days as my back started to become painful, steadily getting worse as the days went on, causing my yoga teacher to suggest a break, as he was worried that yoga would cause further damage. On a strict meals schedule, with a painful back, it’s been difficult to get out of Varkala, as I have to be at the hotel at specific times for my meals. Even heading down to the beach, which is down a sharp drop, has been difficult, as the steep incline makes it hard for me to climb back up when my back is painful. The gorgeous surroundings are sometimes difficult to enjoy, and many days I find myself spending most of the time in my room, surfacing only for treatments and to receive my meals. On the one day I did make an effort to get down to the beach and actually go into the water, I was attacked by a monster wave and went under, badly scraping my elbow and further injuring my back. To add insult to injury, the insomnia that I had hoped would go away, continues to plague me, and I’m constantly tired.

It sounds like a tale of misery but it isn’t all that bad. Varkala is a beautiful place and I’m really lucky to be here. I’ve met some really nice people and am enjoying the alone time. It’s nice to be in a place that is slowly becoming familiar, and I’ve even ventured into town once or twice and joined the locals for a bit instead of limiting myself to the touristy spots. I’m located in a less touristy area, on the south beach of Varkala, which on the one hand means it’s quieter, which is great, but on the other hand, getting to the cafes and busy side of the beach takes a bit more effort. Because I have to be back for dinner at a specific time, and can’t eat out at restaurants, my evening activities are slightly limited, and I’m usually back in my room by 7pm. I think I just need to alleviate the boredom by picking myself up and getting out more, and not let the heat of the day, or the tiredness from the treatments dissuade me. This afternoon I found myself a cute, and very green, café on the clifftop and sat myself down there for a few hours, tomorrow I’ll check out the shops on the north cliff and maybe, just maybe, even head to the fisherman’s village nearby.

There is one thing that is bothering me though, and that is whether or not I’m doing the right thing by continuing with the treatment. Back in November when I did Vipassana in Nepal, we had big issues with the people who didn’t stay for the duration of the course. When we started noticing the empty spaces in the meditation hall, we started questioning the strength of the “deserters”. We judged them, considering them to be weak people who didn’t have the willpower or strength to make it through the process. Some of us were even angry at them for having the indecency to leave. How could they leave? They had signed a document committed to stay for the duration! Those of us who did get to the end we called the strong ones, the survivors. At one point though, as I was stubbornly suffering through the course, I started thinking differently. Maybe those people who were leaving were actually the strong ones, the ones who recognized their breaking points and were self-aware enough to say “stop, enough, this isn’t good for me”. Maybe I was the one who wasn’t aware or strong enough.

Throughout the years I’ve judged myself quite harshly, and given myself little credit for many of the decisions I’ve made, especially with regards to quitting. I‘ve quit numerous courses, treatment, jobs and other things, the most notorious example being my decision to quit medicine in the middle of fourth year, a decision I’m continuously having to justify, even though it happened many years ago. While I am at peace with my decision to leave medicine, the constant questions and criticism throughout the years have caused me to equate quitting with failure, a notion that I know is incorrect, but which somehow still resonates inside my head. This affects my decision making processes when I contemplate things such as leaving a job that I’m not enjoying, splitting with incompatible travel partners, or in this case, stopping a treatment that may be doing more harm than good.

In this case, as I think about my decision more and more, I realize that my current decision isn’t based on fear or insecurity. For now I’ve decided to take it day by day and see what happens. If the new treatment plan, focusing on the health of my spine, show some results in the next day or two, then I’ll continue, and if not, I can always walk out the door and not come back. Unlike Vipassana, I’m not stuck in a wildlife reserve an hour away from the nearest town, and I haven’t signed any contracts. I have the ability to go wherever I want, and do whatever I choose. Deciding to stop a treatment that is causing harm isn’t a failure, it’s a strength, and I need to recognize that. I have to start learning to do what’s best for me, and there is no better time than now.​

Addendum: The day after I wrote this post I once again decided that the treatments were doing more harm than good and should be stopped. After a frank discussion with a different doctor about my back issues and their connection to food consumption, followed by a thorough back examination, it was decided to discontinue the treatments at the clinic and to stop the Ayurvedic diet. From now I will be able to make my own food choices, which should help to alleviate the digestion-related back pain, and the doctor himself will administer a back massage every evening, which will hopefully be more effective than the ones I have been given until now by the girl at the clinic. I’m continuing to take some of the truly disgusting Ayurvedic medicine to help with the inflammation in my back, and hopefully some of the pain I’m feeling at the moment will be gone by the time I have to pick up my backpack and move on next week. As a gesture, warranted I think, all treatment from here on, will be free of charge.